October 16, 2010

In a way I’m looking forward to Diana’s celebration service tomorrow, but then again, I’m not.  I’m looking forward to one last time to “connect” with her, one last time to see her and have a chance to say goodbye.  Aaron and I were never able to get up to her house to see her because once they decided she was about to go, I couldn’t bring myself to go see her.  I didn’t want to see her in pain and know that if she did smile, it would not be because she wanted to, it would be because she had to.  That was the type of person that Diana was.  She smiled all the time… when you were around her, you never knew that she was just in an argument with her husband the second before she walked in the door.  You never knew that a minute ago she was upset about something.  Diana smiled through it all.  It used to really REALLY frustrate me and I felt guilty when I heard that she had terminal cancer.  I felt guilty for being frustrated that she would never show her true feelings.  I felt guilty for being jealous of her ability to “grin and bear it.”  I have always known that Diana was better than me, even though she would never say it and probably never really knew it.

I’m not looking forward to seeing Cam and Zach and Dawson.  What do you say to a husband who just lost the perfect wife, the person who supported his every decision, the person who he leaned on the most?  What do you say to her two small sons who just lost their mother and the person who spent every day with them raising them and teaching them and loving on them?  There is nothing to say and nothing that I can do and that’s going to hurt me the most.

Diana believed in Jesus with all her heart and I honestly believe she’s in Heaven.  I don’t say that to console myself because I don’t take Heaven and it’s connection with a personal relationship with God lightly.  I do NOT believe that people who have died without ever knowing God and believing in what His son did by taking their sins onto Himself and dying on the cross are in Heaven.  I don’t believe they are in a “better place.”  Saying it here makes me feel like a religious chauvinist and I hate feeling like that, but I don’t know  what else to say.  I believe what I believe.  I don’t push my beliefs on other people, and I certainly don’t correct people who say that their loved one is in Heaven even if I don’t believe they are.  But I believe that Diana is.

That just leaves everybody else down here who loved her and relied on her constant smile to help them get through…leaves them grieving for the relationship with her that they won’t have again.  I know that I will see her again one day and I know that her husband and kids will see her again, but then they won’t be her husband and kids.  They will just be brothers and sisters in Christ.  I miss her, even though we haven’t talked in quite a while.  I am sad for the massive hole in her family that she left when she died.  I know that God has a plan but I refuse to say that.  It’s so darned cliche.  God has a plan.  Sure he does, but what in the heck IS it?


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. cindy
    Oct 16, 2010 @ 21:38:38

    Mia, Im so sorry about your friend, and her family 😦 It would be so hard to be strong for her children. Many prayers that you find peace


  2. Erica
    Oct 17, 2010 @ 10:01:50

    I’ll be praying for you and Diana’s family today.♥♥♥


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